Lovin' my OB-GYN

I had my appointment last week with my OB-GYN and if I haven't mentioned it before...I think she's pretty awesome. She just makes me feel comfortable and that I'm not crazy for worrying about all the little things. Since I haven't had my period for over 3 months now she gave me a prescription for Provera which will force my body to menstruate within 10 days. She also had me give blood to test my hormone levels.

Here's hoping that this is all it takes to jump start my cycle again and I will start ovulating by the end of the month.

Looking forward to a positive 2012.

Idle mind

This morning started off great but this afternoon I let my mind wonder away from the work in front of me. I'm always surprised what I start thinking about when I am not really focusing on anything. Preparing for the holidays was an obvious first, planning for the new year a second but how I ended up going over crap that has happened this year that I didn't like and apparently am still bitter about was not what I expected for my finale.

Sometimes I wonder if I took up kickboxing if I could release my pent up anger and truly be able to let things go. Maybe I should just start running again...the whole endorphins thing making you happy,right?

Granted I'm not unhappy, in fact I have a lot of things in my life that are going really well but when ever I let my mind go idle I fixate on those few things that I resent. Perhaps it is the lack of closure or control? Who knows. It isn't like I haven't taken counselling sessions for this!

Anyways I have an appointment with my OB-GYN tomorrow. Hopefully I can at least get some answers about my missing period and take some action. I'll let you know.

Productivity

Recently productivity has been an epic fail for me, following as a close second is motivation.

I have a desk full off things that NEED to get done and yet I keep doing busy work and procrastinating. At home I spent a week unpacking and now with only my room to finish I have put it off for 5 days now. And lets not even get started on my laziness when it comes to eating right or exercises.

Is it terrible to admit that my husband does NOT motivate me? He tries but it comes across as nagging on my end and I just want to punch him in the face. As I'm sure he would not appreciate that action (I know because he tells me that when ever I explain what I want to do to him) I attempt not to bring up my concerns about my lack of motivation or the funk that I'm in.

I have friends who will listen and commiserate with me but sometimes I think it would be nice to be married to someone that spoke the same language as me, since he doesn't I know that attempting a conversation that involved feelings and other intangibles would be exhausting on my end as I would have to explain everything multiple times. Maybe one day.

For right now I just need to shake this funk but I'm just not sure how. I'm not depressed but this kinda sums up how I feel...that unexplainable funk...

{via Hyperbole and Half - awesome blog}

Its Christmas for god sake!

Sleep and other fun things

I thought I could started by waking up a 1/2 hour earlier then usual this morning....I ended up sleeping in! Here's to trying again tomorrow. The trick is I have to go to bed before 10pm.

I'm also attempting to ween myself off of caffeine (AGAIN). Yesterday was a success, I only felt really tired on my drive home. Today has not been as great. 2pm and I keep day dreaming about sleeping. My eyes might be opened and I'm typing but I can assure you that I am NOT awake. I had a A&W diet root beer an hour ago...does that have caffeine?! (I kinda hope it does.) Perhaps I should just take an extended holiday to do this so that I can sleep when ever the mood strikes me.

On another note, I've decided to call my OB-GYN about the fact that my period has been absent for the last 3 months as my family doctor is out of town for a month and I would rather talk to a doctor that specializes in this kind of thing, then with another GP from his office that I don't know. My GP had told me last month that if I was still not menstruating in December that he would put me on birth control again, to force my hormones back on track. I don't love the idea of going back onto the pill but since I don't really want to conceive in January anyways (9 months from that would be September, which is my BIL's wedding...a wedding that D & I are both in so I really don't want to be in labour) I suppose it won't kill me. At least I'll feel like I am DOING something about this.

Here's hoping that at least one of the above is resolved soon!

Goals, Challenges and Lists

A few years ago I created a 30 things before I'm 30 list that encompassed goals and wishes that I had for myself like getting married, completing university, getting out of debt, travel, and weight loss to name a few. I then would check back on the list every year and update my status on each item on it. In the four years I think I actually did quite well and with my 30th birthday only four months away I have been considering writing a Life List like my friend Erica has done, inspired by Mighty Girl.

Currently I'm contemplating what is really important to me and what is actually something that is appropriate to put on it, as in - "Do I have control over it?" (Saying "Get pregnant by X years" isn't a fair goal when I can't control how that pans out, I can only try...) or "Is it too soon?" (Can I really start writing goals for myself that involve being a parent when I'm not actually pregnant? Is that kinda jumping the gun?!....Don't get me wrong those goals are already listed in my head, I just think that saying it out loud or posting it to a blog may being crossing a line, then again I had a blog dedicated to my wedding years before I was engaged so "Hello Pot, I'm Kettle"...).

One goal that I've struggled with in the last 10 years, or probably more accurately since I hit puberty, is my weight and corresponding body image. I use to say that I want to be 135 lbs and then I came to realize that it wasn't the number so much as how I felt about myself and looked in my clothes. I fluctuated between 150-170 for 5 years now and shortly before my wedding I stopped going to my morning personal training sessions (the company I work for owns a performance gym that trains professionals and as staff I attend for free) because of stress and limited time while planning. I meant to go back after the wedding but then when I got pregnant so quickly I worried that the intense workouts wouldn't be good for me so I decided to do aqua fit and walk instead. And then when that ended as quickly as it started I have been in a weird limbo stage. At first I didn't want to start only to have to quit as soon as I got pregnant again, assuming that it would happen quickly as well but as we are seeing now, 'quickly' seems to be out of the question for me know and I need to focus on other things or I will start driving myself insane with the "maybe it'll happen today" obsessions. So not going to the gym is now marked up to laziness. No other excuses left. I haven't found the motivation to crawl out of bed earlier then I absolutely have to so I can't make it to the gym.

This needs to change. I am reinstating my goal of living healthy and attaining my ideal body weight.

Below is the vision board I created a few years ago to motivate me to reach my goals. I've checked off three that I feel I've accomplished and circled four that I want to focus on for the new year/immediate future. The other three I feel are more appropriate for a my life list of things I one day would like. (Sustainable home would be a retirement thing since we JUST purchased a new home)

So I think my current goals are:

1. Create an organized, uncluttered life at home and work.
2. Live a healthy life (clean eating + exercise = reaching my ideal body image)
3. Invest in time at home doing projects like sewing, starting my own garden and other hobbies.

First up for tackling these goals:  Waking up 2 hrs earlier then I currently do.

I honestly believe that if I wasn't so rushed in the morning I would accomplish a lot more and would be healthier and happier. This would mean I could do yoga first thing in the morning, eat breakfast with D and make sure I always leave for work with my lunch packed and in my hand. I will also no longer be LATE for work.

Here's to step one in attaining my goals!

A busy month

November flew by, mainly because D and I were busy finalizing everything for our move. We managed to find, what we hope is, a good tenant for our existing home, who will be moving in December 15th and since we've gotten the keys on the 21st we have been slowly moving our stuff over. D, with the help of father, brother & friend, hung the drywall last weekend because the exposed plastic would have spelt TROUBLE with our three cats...picture tiny claw punctures everywhere. We are moving the furniture in this weekend so Saturday will be our first night at the new place!

We also took a trip down to Minneapolis with our friends, while the guys flew from there to NJ to see their favorite band, the girls stayed behind to shop and shop I did. I love Ikea. I picked up some organization stuff for the kitchen and even bought a ton of plush toys even though I have no idea who I'm giving them to. I may just keep them for myself!

 {Two of the eight...that's right I went overboard...that I picked up at ikea! Cute, right?}

While all of this was going on I managed to waste a ton of money on weekly pregnancy tests because yes...still no period. All of them came back negative but I kept 'What If'ing because I felt bloated, not to mention the exaggerated symptoms my over analysing created. I finally decided to go see a Naturopath doctor mid November and he suggested that I start taking supplements for sensitive stomach. He also took blood work for testing food allergies which I will go back to see him about in a few weeks. Of course AFTER I met with him I read online that progesterone is the cause of the bloating in pregnancy and that is also what my family doctor told me is probably the cause of me NOT menstruating yet...my body has too much progesterone and until it drops I can't build up the estrogen and ovulate. Fan-fricken-tastic! If I'm still sans period in December, he said he'll be putting me on the pill to force the hormones to balance again. I'm not that keen on the idea of wasting another month, but what are my options?

I love having NO control over this stuff.

I stopped wasting my money on pregnancy test mid November, after my followup visit with my family doctor. About a week after the Naturopath visit, and me starting to take the sensitive stomach supplements my bloating has reduced, which now has me over analysing and wondering if that means my hormones are balancing out or if I just needed those bloody supplements because the enzymes in my stomach can't digest my food properly.

This week I had the brilliant idea of purchasing a basal body thermometer in hopes of catching my body in the ovulating act, per say. Tuesday and Wednesday read 97 F and this morning I was greeted with 97.3...with absolutely no data to back this up I automatically start assuming that I am NOW ovulating and I better make sure D and I getting down to business tonight. Yup I'm slowly draining the romance out of lovemaking. Granted I don't plan on telling D that is why he's getting lucky. Hell with the move and the fact that he's a worrier I don't even know if he will get lucky tonight! Welcome to my life...I yes I realize I'm possibly sharing too much but I'm all about the honesty.