Thursday, June 21, 2012

Its not so bad...

So apparently talking about things really does make it better. I'm still not ready to twirl around on a mountain top singing "...the hills are alive with music..." but I don't feel so...stuck.

After writing my previous post I had gotten together with my friend for our Tuesday evening craft session but since we are not a 'handy' household the only saw I could find was one for metal tubing which surprisingly does not hold up when trying to cut wood...go we were at a stand still in our current project and decided drinking tea and talking was a better use of our time. She jokingly said that it was 'deep thought Tuesday' because she wanted to reflect on some life decisions, not realizing that I actually was completely ready to go deep.

Once I had talked through my situation and how I'm currently torn as to the why, she suggested that I should just take one day at a time and not beat myself up about being in said rut. So that's what I'm doing right now. Rather then be ashamed of my procrastination and getting mad at myself for not accomplishing everything that I want to do, I am making a daily list of tasks that needs to be done and doing things one at a time. Simple I know.

We also discussed good habits and will power, or more so how people like me continuously fall off the wagon. They say it takes 20 days to form a habit but they don't mention how easy it is for some people to 'forget' that habit with only ONE bad day. My husband is the complete opposite of me, when he decides to do something he does it. It becomes part of his routine and he won't waiver...technically I think he's slightly OCD so waivering from said routine would probably cause him to have a stroke, so no one is perfect.

But regardless of the fact that 'good' habits don't come easy to me I still recognize that I should be doing them. One of those is healthy eating. I want to create and follow a weekly meal plan for health, convenience and frugality but currently cooking dinner is a chore for me, mainly because my husband decided that it WAS my household chore where as he looks after the cat litter, vacuuming and bathrooms. He will not step into the kitchen without making a huge fuss regardless of the fact that I have mentioned countless times that I never agreed to this delegation of 'chores' and that although I love cooking and entertaining I would like to do it WITH him to make it fun on a day to day basis. He doesn't get it.

I think if I could have a partner in crime to get together with once a week to plan out a weekly menu, go grocery shopping and prep some of the meals it would motivate me and well...make it fun. Ideally I would want that person to be my spouse and I am trying to pull him in (I've requested that he come up with food that he would like to eat this month) but I don't think I'm going to get the ideal. This is where I miss my best friend who use to do things like this with me but since we are no longer talking I need to step up and be independent.

Any ideas on how to make weekly meal planning fun, to help me stick to it?

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Stuck in a rut

Have you ever felt like your life is pretty awesome, everything is lining up the way you want it. In fact you might actually run outside the next time it rains and pull a Gene Kelly...

Nothing can get in your way, life is AWESOME!

Or so it seems on the surface.

In fact you actually feel pretty blah when you start to think about it. You think maybe its depression but then quickly push that aside because what do you have to be upset about? So on top of not feeling productive and motivated you feel guilty that you feel this way. You have wonderful pep talks with yourself where you remind yourself that you are IN CONTROL and if you don't like being the way you are then change. You don't really want to bring it up to anyone because you are ashamed that you can't pull yourself out of it. You think it will sound like you are having a pity party, because that's what it sounds like to yourself. Not to mention you know all of the pep talks already. You KNOW what you SHOULD be doing. Procrastination and complete avoidance become a daily habit and when ever anyone points it out you laugh and make a joke about it but really you hate that you are doing it.

Once in a while you will feel a burst of renewed energy and you think you are finally back to 'normal' but then you get pulled back in. You remember that you DID pull yourself out before but you can't really remember what the trigger was. And you are mad at yourself for forgetting.

That's me right now. Welcome to the inner turmoil of my mind.

I know that I should be able to shake this feeling. Some days I think I have but recently motivation hasn't been able to stick. I have escaped into 40+ novels in the last two months to avoid reality and am quite content to continue on this path. I hate that I am 40 lbs over weight right now, I've always fluctuated 15-20lbs from my ideal weight but never this much, and yet following a (doctor ordered) healthy meal plan has yet to happen. I work out but constantly skip because I'm 'tired' or don't push myself when I'm there. I have countless organizational projects on my to-do list with no really reason for them not to be completed. Not to mention the fact that I'm over a month behind on a major project at work which I have no real excuse for other then my lack of drive. And every time I remind myself of all this I get frustrated.

I feel like I'm missing something. That if I could just find the main problem everything else will fall into place. Previous mood swings like this resulted from problems that no longer exist for me; drowning in debt and being perpetually single and alone.

I am starting to think that perhaps it stems from the fact that I am currently not satisfied with my career choice but I don't know what to do. I love the company I work for and I have invested a lot of energy into completing my accounting designation. If this is the reason I'm not happy I don't know if I am prepared to make a change. I don't want to be the person that moves from job to job every 5 years nor do I want to quit my schooling when the finish line is with in sight but I also don't want to become my father, who thought the grass was always greener on the other side and yet stayed in a career that he was not passionate about for too many years. I also think maybe the dissatisfaction stems from burning out. I was juggling another desk back in February and March, and once that was over I haven't seemed to get back 'in the game'. It was like I had a chance to finally breath and my mind isn't ready to start up again. I've taken a vacation since then but the work load that never seems to end was there waiting for me. If I did change I don't know what would be 'better' and am afraid that it would just be a bandage.

Basically I'm stuck in a rut and I'm not sure how or when I'll be pulling myself out.