After hearing the heart beat yesterday I definitely was breathing easier as I now know its alive in there and so far so good but I'm still hesitant to tell the 'world'. I've chosen to spread the news to our close friends and family, and now I'm telling you but I think I'll hold off for a few more weeks before I start wearing obvious maternity cloths to work and stick to my camouflaging outfits for now that just make me look like I'm fat.
When I started the process of trying to conceive over a year ago I definitely didn't expect things to be the way they are. For one I look with envy to the women that blissfully go through pregnancy never letting the thought of miscarriage enter their minds as something that will happen to them, where as every cramp or pain I experience is over thought. I continuous am reassuring myself that they are just indigestion or growing pains due to the expanding of the uterus. Nor did I think I would check for spotting/bleeding everytime I went to the bathroom. I started to stress before my appointment that I wouldn't hear a heart beat because nothing was there and refused to go to a private clinic for a 'sneak peek' ultra sound as I didn't want to be shown an empty uterus. Now that I have heard the heart beat you would think that I would stop stressing but knowing the possibilities of things going wrong for women I'm still not able to let go and just enjoy, and I miss not having the innocence.
That being said I'm still very happy that I AM pregnant.
I also was completely unprepared for "morning sickness". Regardless of everything I read I naively assumed that morning sickness meant vomiting. I didn't realize that you could actually be nauseous for 12+ weeks ALL day long and NOT throw up. That's me, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I honestly feel like Elizabeth Banks character in What to Expect When Expecting, she took awhile to conceive, researched everything, was 'prepared' and REALLY wanted a baby but when she finally got pregnant it wasn't the happy glowing experience she had expected and everyone talks about. She was miserable.
I feel guilty that I don't enjoy being pregnant because I so very much want a baby and went threw so much to get here. I feel like I should be walking on clouds and bubbling over with happiness but instead I'm exhausted, my back hurts, I have NO motivation to do anything and I'm constantly battling the urge to vomit. I'm crossing my fingers that I'll be finished with this after 16 weeks and can proceed to the happy part but I'm not holding my breath.
Regardless I am still thrilled that I'm having a baby and will love it regardless of how my hormones make me feel at the moment. I just might not rush out to have my second any time soon.
If you've been pregnant was it what you expected?